Life has been so incredibly busy that three dirty words experienced a stasis. But, assuming I can get the dyke trophy wife on board, three dirty words might soon experience a premature awakening due to global warming.

gw.

But is "yes" the right answer?

This joke used to be funny to me when I had this idealistic view that the 90's Aids Awareness boom had caused people to really put safe sex into practice. Now, I'm not so sure.

At work, I happened to be reading this GQ article asking, "Who's practicing safe sex anymore?" and it scared me. The opening shot related a particular grou of professionals who bragged about their unsheathed sexual exploits. One man said something to the effect that the only thing that's really ever asked is, "Are you on the Pill?" and only after penetration has already occurred. Another male said that contracting STDs was no big deal, because most of them could be cured with a shot anyway. What disturbed me is that a couple of these men were in health professions.

But what about the ones that can't be cured with a shot? As a black female, I'm concerned about this seemingly lackadaisical attitude towards unsafe sex, because my demographic happens to be at highest risk for HIV and AIDS in this country. Most people are uninformed to this fact because it doesn't directly affect them, and a lot of people really don't see this as a potential pandemic. But if a doctor is not the least bit concerned about contracting The Clap, who's going to take the initiative to bring awareness to black women, and everyone for that matter, regarding the dangers of unsafe sex?

To add insult to injury, one of my coworkers told me about a news article concerning a dating website for people with STDs called Positive Singles. Now, I'm typically not judgmental as to what circumstances people face, but the website seems a bit tongue-in-cheek--besides its seeming attempt to allow infectees (sorry if that sounds harsh) to have normal, "positive" (a double entendre, perhaps?) dating lives, is it also sending mixed messages that add to the casual stance towards practicing safe sex?

If the men in that article I read, as well as the crop of "positive" dating sites, are any indication towards a shift in concern for our sexual health--and not just in the exercise of healthy sexual desire, but in the risks associated with it--then I fear what this regression is going to teach younger children.

Whatever the answer is, please remember that your Butterfly Position potentially has a Butterfly effect.

in a group of liberal, diverse coeds, Male Friend makes battered woman joke.
the pit of dyketrophywife's stomach falls a bit and she curtly tells Male Friend that his joke wasn't funny.
ten minutes later, when MF and DTW are alone, the former tells the latter in a very sincere way that he was sorry and that "sometimes people-" and here he corrects himself, "sometimes i don't think."

the patriarchy affects us all, my friend, and sometimes we don't even know it.

a thought-provoking classmate posted some questions about what feminine, masculine, and gender are on our online discussion forum.

my (token-lesbian gender-eschewing) response?

in reference to the word "feminine," i'd like to point out that powerful women are complimented for being "feminine" and chastised for being "masculine." pearl earrings, high heels, lipstick, skirts...it's acceptable for women to be in positions of power, as long as there are gendered modifiers. notice that woman must qualify their "masculine" power with sex appeal (or risk being butch or bitchy), while men's sex appeal comes from their power. read the statements below. which ones sound commonplace and which ones sound redundant?

she's powerful AND feminine.
he's powerful and masculine.
she's successful AND maternal.
he's successful and paternal.
she's athletic AND sexy.
he's athletic and sexy.

think about the difference between women's tennis players ("feminine," skirts, earrings) and women's softball players...and the stereotypes of each.

my point: men's athleticism, success, and power ARE sexy and masculine (and, indirectly, mark them as good providers/fathers). women's athleticism, success, and power must be modified by a feminine term, almost like saying "yes, she's strong, but don't worry: she's still a woman."

personal anecdote: my mother took my lesbianism in stride. she used to joke (or at least i thought they were jokes) "never shave your head or start wearing flannel." about a year ago, i did cut my hair extremely short. my mother cried and refused to make eye contact with me, because i was "playing into a stereotype" and/or marking myself as a gender transgressor.

i'm not trying to eradicate gender, but rather explore and play with it, much the way writers play with words. what if gender were fluid? what if you could pick a new gender every day? how could you have discrimination based on gender? i could pontificate for hours on the source of gender roles/gender-based discrimination (religion, capitalism, biology, the development of agriculture, et cetera)

what if you could be a metrosexual man monday, a fabulous drag queen tuesday, a boyish girl wednesday, stone butch thursday, a non-op transsexual friday, super-feminine saturday, and completely androgynous sunday? i think this sort of diversity would be beautiful; nobody would HAVE to change genders, but the option and the fluidity would exist. i know this is incredibly utopian (and would probably involve economic change in order to remove the financial inequity between "people who give birth" and "people who don't"). i want to see people of all colors and genders running corporations, walking our streets,and raising children.

i'm sure most of us of a certain age have experienced this phenomenon in which our (or our peers') entire lives revolve around cyber-socialization. life involves only the following states of being:

1. playing on myspace/facebook when we're supposed to be doing something productive
2. socializing, and therefore talking about facebook/myspace

it's evolved past the level of internet drama ("someone wrote on my boyfriend's wall that they had fun with him last night even though he told me he was going to bed early;" "did you see where weetzie and chuck are in an open relationship on facebook?!""See?! i told you Queenie was gay! it says he's interested in men, AND he's in the designer purses group!") to the point at which many of our social gatherings involve photographing Fun and trying to remember the hilarious things drunk people say so that we can post them as Favorite Quotes.

it almost doesn't matter if you actually are having fun, as long as there are plenty of digital and video files that prove to yourself and others that Your Youth Was Meaningful After All. our social lives have begun to revolve around documenting Good Times, so that our fun is actually creating the illusion of fun. are we masterful artists carrying out technological sleight of hand, or children who've grown up in a time of frighteningly rapid technological change?

when i see my friends working to create greater meaning (or at least memorable hilarity) from beer pong, theme parties, or nights at The Club that are just not fun for one reason or another, i can't help feeling like Nick Carraway at one of Gatsby's dinner parties.

"I was, within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life" (Fitzgerald 40)

Danger Snatch is moving to NYC, so she won't be around until she gets settled.
the dyke trophy wife promises to keep the good posts coming, like the one below.

Being The Other Woman

…is both exciting and lonely. Dear Abby (who I’ve read religiously since the third grade, despite her not being an actual person) likes to advise that you should NEVER get involved with someone who’s in a relationship, because if Cheater will cheat on Current Partner with Other Woman, what keeps Cheater from cheating on Other Woman if Other Woman becomes Current Partner? Also, she’s very skeptical of Cheater’s ever leaving Current Partner for Other Woman, especially if Cheater is married (Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...to make a barnyard metaphor). All very well and good, right? Protect your heart and don’t get hurt by Big, Bad Cheater. This is the same advice my very pragmatic XGF [formerly Q(?)XGF] likes to give.

But what about our very fragile feelings and utterly vulnerable libidos? So you don’t set out to fall for someone who’s unavailable; you like to think that anybody who cheats is not worth your time. You’re a good Abby disciple. Maybe you were even Current Partner when One Time Partner became Cheater. In any case, you know how much it, to be crude, fucking sucks. But sometimes shit happens. Sometimes a fantastic, wonderful older woman makes a post-modern pass at you (in other words, friends you via an online networking site; see “Courtship in the postmodern age of MySpace” for unnecessary detail) Say you decide to have lunch, or dinner, or coffee, or a walk around the lake. Say she has an extremely closeted girlfriend. Say you still really, really like Older Woman. Perhaps, even, you start liking her more and more each time you see her. Perhaps the sneaking around is exciting. Maybe one night while Older Woman’s Current Partner is out of town you end up having two hours of high school-esque making out and voila! She’s Cheater, and you’re Other Woman.

she's fantastic, and intimidatingly smart, and pretty, and exciting, and old fashioned. she smells pretty and you could look at her delicate hands for hours. she gives you books and mix cds and you are so, so smitten. In a way, the sneaking about is fun. She says she’s having dinner with a cousin when she’s actually eating thai food with you. You visit on her breaks at work. But then what about when you’re at her house and Closeted Girlfriend’s Family is right across the street and you have to close the blinds and hope they don’t come by for a visit? what about the eventual day your jaded, neurotic self wants to be her girlfriend?

Can you claim ignorance, I-didn’t-know-what-was-happening-until-it-was-too-late? Can you justify your own behavior by saying Older Woman’s ethics are not your problem, and that you shouldn’t have to watch out for Closeted Current Partner’s feelings? Can you forgive Older Woman the ethical breach of infidelity on grounds that are not purely utilitarian? Relationships are fickle things, and sometimes the end is particularly delicate. People do bizarre, incomprehensible things when they’re at the end of their rope with a particular Current Partner. I don’t even know if I believe in monogamy, and sometimes people slip up. Is this a cop-out? Am I being understanding of people’s feelings and libidos, or am I making excuses for Older Woman, XGF, and my own permissiveness?

Are the women’s magazines right? Is this about my own self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness? Maybe if I felt better about myself as a woman I would go after people that were available, who might reject me based on my own faults instead of Pre-existing Relationship Logistics. Or something like that. Blah, blah, blah. Call Dr. Phil and cry me a river.

Those who are particularly idealistic would say no, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who cheated on someone else, even if it was with me. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Maybe I’m a realist, and maybe I’m just a slut. In any case, I’m going to let myself get hurt, over and over if necessary, because the adventure is worth it, and I want to think Older Woman is worth it too.